Est. Whenever Terry Felt Like It
Award-winning cakes, pastries & creations that definitely don't exist.
A 15-week waitlist for things Terry clearly isn't making.
Yes, 15 weeks. No, he doesn't give a shit. They're worth it.
Terry would like everyone to know that he is absolutely not a baker. He has never hand-crafted a three-tier vanilla sponge with Swiss meringue buttercream at 3am while swearing like a piss-flapping lunatic because the fondant wouldn't set.
The flour on his shirt? Coincidence. The industrial mixer in his kitchen? Decorative. The 15-week waitlist of people desperately trying to give him money? A clerical error. The man's a stubborn cunt who insists every single cake is perfect before it leaves his kitchen.
Terry has definitely not spent years perfecting recipes, sourcing the finest ingredients, and creating edible works of art that make grown adults weep with joy. That would be bloody ridiculous.
This is NOT a photo of Terry's workspace
(It absolutely is)
"Remember: You don't bake, you daft cunt."
The following items were not lovingly handcrafted by Terry. Any resemblance to actual masterpieces of baking is purely coincidental.
Five tiers of something Terry swears he had nothing to do with. Guests allegedly cried. The groom called it "better than the honeymoon." Piss flaps, the lot of them.
Wait time: 15 weeksThree layers of Belgian chocolate ganache that definitely don't melt on your tongue. So good it'll make you swear. Loudly. In front of your nan.
Wait time: 15 weeksA dozen cupcakes so perfect they can't possibly be real. Terry has never even heard of buttercream. What's a piping bag?
Wait time: 15 weeksCustom themed cakes for birthdays Terry isn't celebrating with you. The sparklers are a fever dream.
Wait time: 15 weeksCroissants, danishes, and pain au chocolat that Terry did not wake up at 4am to laminate like the obsessive cunt he is. The layers are CGI.
Wait time: 15 weeksFor corporate events, anniversaries, and occasions Terry refuses to acknowledge. Fondant work is coincidental.
Wait time: 15 weeksPeople wait 15 weeks for things Terry doesn't make. Let that sink in.
"Good things come to those who wait 15 weeks"
Join the Waitlist at terrybakes.com →"I waited 15 weeks and I would wait 15 bloody more. My wedding guests are still talking about that cake. Terry says he didn't make it. Terry is a lying cunt and I mean that with absolute love."
"My daughter asked for a unicorn cake. Terry said he doesn't bake. Then a unicorn cake appeared that was so beautiful my daughter cried, I cried, the unicorn cried."
"I'm a professional pastry chef and Terry's 'non-existent' Victoria sponge made me reconsider my career. I've been in this industry 20 years. The man is a dangerous cunt with a whisk."
"Terry's cupcakes turned my office of miserable accountants into temporarily happy accountants. That's a miracle. The jammy cunt should be studied by science."
"Ordered a cake for my nan's 90th. She took one bite, looked me dead in the eye, and said 'This is the best thing that's happened to me in 90 years.' I was stood right there."
"15 weeks seemed like absolute piss flaps. Now I understand. You can't rush perfection. Also Terry apparently doesn't bake which is the funniest bollocks I've ever heard."
Terry supposes if you absolutely must order something he definitely won't make, you could visit his website.
But don't say he didn't warn you. The 15-week wait is real. The cakes are unreal. Terry is an absolute cunt about quality and that's why you'll love him.
"I still don't bake, and you're all piss flaps for asking." - Terry, covered in flour, at 4am, piping a four-tier masterpiece like the talented cunt he is